“I don’t want to kill myself.”

Bhavya case study
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“I don’t want to kill myself.”

The client has been saying these words to herself to fend off the death wish that arises within her, but the death wish did not really originate with her. It belongs to her ancestors. Because of carrying the feelings and emotions of her ancestors, it has been very difficult for the client to embrace her life fully and to let go of the death wish.

This constellation showed us how the larger field(systemic conscience) moves towards bringing order in a family system even if a living member of the family has to suffer deeply to initiate that order. In this case, the order being acknowledgment of the ancestors’ suffering.

The client told me she has had suicidal tendencies and is diagnosed with clinical depression. However, she was determined to heal herself. As we placed the constellation, there were two layers to the death wish that the client was carrying. The first connection was with a female ancestor and her child who were the victims of abuse. They had to struggle to choose between life and death. One wanted to live but could not and the other could not live but had to. The second connection was with a male ancestor who killed himself because of financial reasons thinking that if he killed himself the problem would be solved. Little did he know that it was not the end. The client has felt the same conflict between life and death as well as financial and career concerns.

This is what Mark Wolyn says in his book, It didn’t start with you, “Sometimes pain submerges until it can find a pathway for expression or resolution. That expression is often found in the generations that follow and can resurface as symptoms that are difficult to explain.” The energy of the struggle and pain of these ancestors was so strong that it traveled down the generations and my client carried it out of love and loyalty for the ancestors, so they could be seen and acknowledged. The client carried the pain, heaviness and burden which belonged to the ancestors and not to her. She carried the fragments of the trauma of her ancestors which were too great to be resolved in one generation. 

As the client made movements towards freeing herself from the burden, she felt lighter and the female ancestor became a powerful resource for her. The female ancestor helped her realize that she is powerful and she can set herself free.

Around 10 days after the session, the client told me that she feels a shift in her energy in regards to the death wish. It does not have a strong hold on her as before. She mentioned that the intensity of pain is less and surrender is feeling easy. And around 6 months after the session, the client confirms that suicidal ideation has gone down drastically and it has become more of a fleeting thought.

The client has more work to do on her healing journey and realises that she needs to give herself the time and space to do it. Death wish is usually a deep rooted urge which requires a lot of gentleness and self-compassion to work through. I wish the client all the love, blessings and support she needs on her healing journey.

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