“I am seeking comfort in abuse.”

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“I am seeking comfort in abuse.”

This was a statement Tina(name changed) made in the case history form and also when we spoke. And this is also the statement the volunteers(female members of the family) in the family constellation session resonated with deeply.

Tina approached me out of exasperation and wanted a solution to her marriage woes. She told me that she has had a very abusive 5 years of marriage and now she cant take more of it so she has come back to her parents house. She was already aware that there is a certain pattern in her family of women quietly suffering in their marriages and she especially felt bad for one of her aunt’s. Knowing that there was a pattern, we decided to place a family constellation to address the root cause of the issue.

In the session, we saw that Tina and her husband, Tina’s parents as well as grandparents were distant and emotionally disconnected. All the couples had a lot of distance between them and Tina felt a lot of physical discomfort, especially pain in her heart region. As we invited the energy of Tina’s aunt, the constellation began to shift, but very subtly. The aunt kept on demanding her brother’s(Tina’s father) attention and stood right in front of him, face to face, as if forcing him to see her. But all his attention was with his daughter. Throughout the session, he was mainly concerned with the well-being of his daughter, Tina. The aunt felt angry towards her parents and had no interest in approaching them.

And then we invited the ancestor where the suffering of women(daughters) of this family began. As the ancestor came in, she narrated a very vivid picture of her being kept hostage and tortured in a room. Her suffering was apparent in the volunteer’s face. She mentioned being the daughter-in-law of this family. The energy of the perpetrator was also brought in but he took a place at the edge of the field with no interest whatsoever in the ongoing scene.

At this point, the volunteer who was playing the aunt’s role mentioned that she feels like being the son of the ancestor all those generations back and that he was taken away and saved by the brother of that ancestor. In the current life, she has reincarnated in the family as a daughter to complete a subconscious vow made to her mother(the ancestor) in the past life.

As we went further, the ancestor expressed her anger, rage and revengeful thoughts against the men of the family. She wanted to take all the women with her and leave the men behind, alone, and to make them suffer. At an energetic level, this is what she was doing. Many women of the family, till the current generation, are unhappy in their marriages(to put it lightly), as if unconsciously following this ancestor and carrying the burden of her story. The men of the family have been helpless and guilty in their own way and overcompensating subconsciously.

The expression of anger and revengeful thoughts was all that the ancestor needed to release the energy and heal herself. It was not even about the perpetrator at this point. The ancestor also became aware of the support from the women of the family who looked at her or approached her with acceptance. As she calmed down and let herself free of the victimhood, the aunt/child of the ancestor also realized that she was carrying this deep need(a vow) to prove to her mother that not all men are bad. Because she was saved in the previous lifetime by the ancestors’ brother, in this lifetime she looked upon her brother(Tina’s father) to save her and prove that there are good men around. This was a huge entanglement between the ancestor and her child who is Tina’s aunt today. It seems as if the aunt accepted to be in an abusive marriage so that her brother could save her and she could prove her point. And all this has been happening subconsciously within her.

Towards the end, all the family members accepted and acknowledged the ancestor. The aunt let her go with ease and love and released her need to prove her point through her own suffering. She accepted her parents of the current life and her relationship with her brother also shifted. The brother expressed his love and support for her and she accepted him as her brother without any need for saving her. And everyone took their rightful place with love.

Post the session the client tells me that all of it resonated with her and that when the ancestor said, “I want to hold the men by their collar and shake them”, that is what she has been wanting to do to her husband. The client is now more aware and free to choose what she wants from her married life. I wish her all the love and support that she needs going ahead and I admire her for doing this work and helping so many women of her lineage.

Two important things that this session showed us is that a vow(in the form of proving a point) can travel across generations and create deep entanglements. And out of this desire to prove a point one can attract a lot of suffering for oneself as well as others around, even when that vow is supposed to be of help. Additionally, there are always deeper reasons for a soul to choose such suffering and fate, and these are not always apparent. 

Second is the misplaced guilt. Here, my client in some ways has been carrying the guilt of having what her aunt and the ancestor could not, which is, the love and protection of a man of the family. So subconsciously, out of that guilt, she attracted the suffering in her marriage, following what her aunt and the ancestor have suffered. Well, with the awareness she has received from this session, she is empowered to choose and make conscious decisions now. I wish her all the support and strength that she needs.

Lately, through much of my work and especially family constellation work, women’s suffering as well as empowerment is coming up strongly. Again and again I am seeing how women from different generations follow their ancestors/elders, take on their burden and dwell in the suffering, till one of them decides to break the cycle. Again and again I am seeing how women across generations support each other when brought into the knowing field and empower each other. My heart warms up to see the shifts happening at the individual as well as the collective level.

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