A trans-generational pattern between couples

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A trans-generational pattern between couples

Ruchika(name changed), aged 27, approached me last year to work on her relationship pattern. As we discussed more, her childhood trauma, her conflicted relationship with her parents, her codependency in relationships and people pleasing all surfaced. Feelings of hurt, pain, anger and guilt were prominent. She was aware of most of these and was already doing some self-healing work. Now she felt ready to dive deeper. 

We worked our way through age, womb and past life regression in the initial sessions. She started feeling better and started seeing changes in herself in regards to her parents. And then we decided to address the pattern of extra-marital affairs and divorce in her maternal lineage in a family constellation session, as she is going through a divorce and her current relationship is also very rocky.

As we began the constellation, there was a clear pattern of disconnect between the client and her partner, client’s mother and father and client’s grandmother and grandfather. All 3 sets of couples were emotionally distant and uncommunicative. 

And then, the ancestral energy appeared from where this trauma/pattern began.

This female ancestor was not directly linked to the client’s lineage but was the victim of a male member of the client’s maternal lineage. This female ancestor was of a lower caste and the victim of sexual, physical and emotional abuse at the hands of the male ancestor. She was trapped and kept hidden from the world and suffered in silence for the rest of her life. 

When this female and male ancestor, the victim and perpetrator, were brought in front of each other, that’s when the field started moving and changing. The victim’s anger and rage was apparent. She wanted justice. And out of that raging need for justice she had cursed the perpetrator and his family. However, the perpetrator wouldn’t budge. He was clear that he did what he was supposed to and he didnt feel anything wrong with that. There was no remorse or regret in his demeanor.

As we moved further and more expression followed, the victim was supported by the client’s mother. As the victim felt seen and heard by even one person of the family, her energy began to shift and she realized that she also could have spoken up for herself and tried to find support. With these realizations, she was ready to step out of the victim role and free herself even though the perpetrator still showed no remorse. The female ancestor was helped to release herself from the victim-perpetrator dynamics and as she did that the perpetrator felt insecure and his energy shifted. The perpetrator confessed that he did not want to let go. He was feeling powerless, as if he was losing something. And then we helped the perpetrator to process his emotions and finally without any coercion or persuasion, he himself apologized to the female who he had victimized and felt regretful.

The female ancestor took back her words and their energy(which became a curse for the future generations) and freed everyone as well as herself. Everyone took their rightful positions, seeing and accepting each other. The grandfather and grandmother who were present not out of love but just their responsibility, also acknowledged each other. We also worked on the relationship between the client, her mother and grandmother and love and peace reigned.

After the session, the client told me that she had taken an akashic record reading and the reader had told her of a curse running through the family, affecting especially her maternal grandmother(who also got divorced). The ancestral field showed this curse in the form of words being spoken out of rage by a woman who suffered. Curse is a very loaded word and there are many negative connotations attached to it today but it can simply be understood as a highly intensely directed thought or words towards someone. And as we saw, it can be released and healed.

Victim and perpetrator are connected to each other. When one begins to heal, the other is also impacted. Sometimes both of them heal at the same time and other times there is a time gap between their healing and release. However, without thinking about what the other would or would not do, if we can take responsibility for ourselves, as the victim or the perpetrator, we open the door to our healing. 

It is especially easy to remain in the victim role and keep blaming others for our misery but if like the ancestor in this lineage, we realize that we can do something about our situation and take responsibility and conscious action, then we bring harmony not just to ourselves but to many others involved.

The perpetrator is not born that way. The perpetrator also always has a story and has been a victim in some other situation. It is a cycle. And breaking out of this cycle is what we must work towards. All of us have been victims and perpetrators in different ways, in different situations, in different lifetimes. Victim and perpetrator both carry a deep need to be seen and heard. They both have their stories and one is not better or more relevant than the other. All they need is acknowledgment and acceptance as we saw in this session. 

Almost a month later now, the client reports changes in her relationship with her father and partner. She can see more love and connection in her relationships and is hopeful for more change in the coming days. She is doing her inner work consistently and there is more peace in her heart. I wish her the best for the life that is to unfold.


The volunteer who played the role of the perpetrator in the session, shared this later – 

“For me it was the thin line between ego and love. Constant fluctuations between the two. The understanding of what differentiates “mine” and “we”. From feeling cold to immense love, from gaining power from domination to surrendering to love, from indifference to feeling a soulmate connection and all of that within a matter of minutes. It magnified the importance of gratitude. How we often take someone we have for granted assuming they are NEVER leaving, but the moment someone is going away from us we start feeling the love, the sense of loss. And most importantly I have read this a lot of times that “hurt people hurt others” but to live it today has definitely changed my perspective towards a lot of my personal experiences. Thank you so much for making me a part of this!”

Please note that this case study is in no way any comment on extra-marital affairs or divorce.


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